They All Failed Ethics
by TehAntiFangirl
Summary: A Vortian named Lak Shmi randomly appears on Earth and irritates Jhonen Vasquez enough for him to decide that the whole fan fiction universe should be destroyed. However, destroying universes is not that easy when you've got a mob of fangirls after you, out for blood... Hilarity ensues, I guess. This is my first fan fiction.
1. Chapter 1

Hello. This is my first fan fiction so yeah, it's horrible. I think. I've already written some chapters, and I will try to publish them twice a week. Be prepared for the insanity.

Oh yeah. Here's this thing:

_Our hero, TehAntiFangirl, crashes through the ceiling of Zim's base._

_TAF: Hey, Zim, bro! Can I own you!_

_Zim: What? Who are you!? NO ONE OWNS ZIM!_

_TAF Well, _that_ worked._

There, solid evidence that I do not own Invader Zim. This is pretty short but hey... enjoy...

**Hey, here's a random update for y'all (all two of you, at least)- THIS THING ISN****'T SUPPOSED TO BE SERIOUS. It's a joke. Not a weird examination of the shows ethics. Because that would be unbelievably stupid- there are none to examine. Lak Shmi is meant to be a kind of parody of angsty, depressed fan fic characters. Note that the genre is "Humor" and "Parody". Sorry to destroy your hopes and dreams.  
**

* * *

**Chapter 1: Culture Shock**

Lak Shmi was not having a very good day, and that was saying something. A good day for her would being escaping with her life from whatever situation inevitably arrived. Those lasers were a little much, though, and through a series of unfortunate events, she was kicked out of the Resisty for being "too resistant".

Of course.

So now, although she couldn't exactly say why, she was standing in front of a class on some sort on an alien planet. She remembered being kicked off the Resisty, then nothing. Now she was here... The kids all looked pretty clueless, except for two, a weird little guy with goggles a whole lot bigger than hers, and... HOLY VORT DOGS, WAS THAT AN **IRKEN**?

"Class, this is... Lak, the latest disturbing... crawling... thing to come to this horrible establishment," the teacher said, "If you want to say anything, say it now. That's the last time you will ever say ANYTHING in my class, got it?"

"Umm..." Lak Shmi looked around, trying to avoid a nervous breakdown, "I'm Lak Shmi... I'm just... normal, I guess... um... hi."

"That was the best one yet!" whispered Zita, "For a change, someone who ISN'T insane!"

"Go sit. GO!" Ms. Bitters waved Lak Shmi to the one empty seat, right next to... Irk Boy. _Fuuuuun_.

Lak Shmi sat down. Immediately, she got the pokey treatment.

Poke. Poke. Poke. "What are you doing here, Vortian slime?" asked Zim, poking her shoulder.

Poke. Poke. Poke. "Hey, do you have a 'skin condition'? That effects your KNEES?" asked Dib.

Lak Shmi turned to him, "I do not have a _skin condition_," she hissed, "I'm from another planet, you racist jerk!"

Dib's eyes widened, "MS. BITTERS!"

Ms. Bitters materialized over Dib with a hiss, "What NOW, Dib?"

"I... uh... the new kid said she was an alien..." Dib stuttered.

Ms. Bitters looked at Lak Shmi, who did her best to look innocent. "You racist jerk," she said to Dib, narrowing her bespectacled eyes.

Dib glowered at her. Zim was still poking her.

"HUH? HUH? HUH?" he was saying. Poke. Poke. Poke.

"CAN YOU STOP THAT?" Lak Shmi growled in her husky voice.

Zim pulled back his hand. "Are you one of those 'universal peace' weirdos?"

"Pft, no," Lak Shmi rolled her eyes, "Who are you?"

"I AM ZIM!" he said proudly, "And I am normal..."

"Uh-huh..." she said, then she realized the second comment had been directed at the other students. Why did the Irken go to such lengths to disguise his identity?

She leaned over to see what Dib was doodling. There was a freakish little goat girl screaming in horror as scientists ripped her organs out. She shuddered- if this was how the planet treated it's visitors, she'd have to follow suit and get a disguise as soon as possible.

"Guys, there are OBVIOUSLY two aliens in this class!" said Dib to his fellow students. "I mean look, he's a bug and she's a goat! COME ON!"

"Aw man, Dib," groaned Poonchy, "Next thing you'll be saying Goatboy's an alien."

The class turned to stare at Goatboy.

"Prisoner 777?" Zim and Lak Shmi gasped simultaneously. Prisoner 777 grinned sheepishly, but was tackled by Irken soldiers who dropped out of the sky and taken back to prison.

"Noooo! 777!" cried Lak Shmi, "He owed me money!"

Dib smacked his face, "Seriously? You guys gotta believe me now!"

"Wait... Goatboy was an alien?" Tae asked.

"YES!" Dib said emphatically.

"But... he liked Pokémon," said Brian. Everybody knows aliens HATE Pokémon. Zim and Lak Shmi shuddered at the thought- being stuck in those little balls. Aliens have a "thing" about being trapped. They kind of freak.

Dib groaned. The class reminisced on the good times spent looking through Goatboy's immense collection.

"...And they all died," Ms. Bitters finished, "Go now."

The children jumped out the windows in a mad dash for freedom. Lak Shmi felt someone poke her shoulder.

"WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE!?" she said, exasperated, "Always poking! I swear, I'd have stayed in prison if I knew I'd just be poked again once I was free!"

Dib drew back, "You escaped from justice?"

"Irken justice is no justice," she hissed.

"You... you were captured by Irkens!? Good! You can help me defeat Zim now!" Dib grinned widely, but Lak Shmi shook her head.

"I don't like the way you think. Dissecting is bad," she winced, remembering unsavory things, "And I really just wanna go home. I wanna find Lard Nar and destroy him for dumping me in this civil rights sewer."

"I-" Dib started, "But... science!"

"_Science_," Lak Shmi said, "Uses an MRI machine. _Science_ uses an X-Ray. How do I know this? _I_ am a scientist. And I never had to dissect _anything_."

"You'd just let me use an MRI on you?" Dib asked, confused.

"Sure. It's for science, right? Might as well advance civilization while I'm here," she shrugged.

"I don't have one."

"Too bad."

"Um... I'm gonna go now," Dib said, "Find Zim and... catch him. Do some tests."

"He's sentient," she said coldly, "They all are, the Irkens, and that's why I won't destroy them. They wouldn't let me join the Resisty because of it. Lard Nar's a fool..."

"Sure, Zim's-"

"Sentient. That's the important piece. He'll know what you're doing. Why it's happening. He'll feel pain, Dib. He'll _cry_," she furrowed her brow, "Understand now, Dib, that I will never forgive you for making ANYTHING feel like that. NO ONE deserves that fate, that helplessness."

Dib took a step back. He looked around at the remaining kids, and then ran off. His feet were pounding the tiles. Why did the freakish goat girl have to come now? Why did she ruin it for him? Jeez, she was dark. Zim wouldn't _cry_... would he? How would she know?

He stopped. Zim was standing in the door, his hand over his eye. When he noticed Dib was behind him, he turned around. He left eye was swollen.

"Stupid pig-smelly," he grunted, "Hello, Dib. Do not think that your inferior bullying technology can bring down an Irken invader! I will have my revenge in 10-fold!"

Laughing wildly, he ran off.

"I dread tomorrow," sighed Dib, kicking the wall. No, Zim wouldn't cry. But why did the goat girl think he would? It was a mystery for another day, another battle. The boy sighed. Aliens were stoopid, granted, but they were the only people who would talk to him.

Lak Shmi brushed past him, her head tilted backward like she had saw a popular human girl do. She was followed by a couple of other girls, giggling to each other. Dib watched as they pushed her over and grabbed a snack from her coat pocket.

"Hey!" she called, "Kids are the same on every planet."

Dib snickered a little. Aliens were pretty nerdy, too.

Lak Shmi brushed herself off, and leaned back on her oddly-formed legs. She had to find a place to sleep... she looked around. There was a tree. There'd been trees on Vort before it was covered with prisons. She had slept under a tree before. She remembered that day, and allowed herself a brief flashback.

_"Lak Shmi! Lak Shmi!" Lard Nar had called excitedly. They were still kids, playing at Lard Nar's house. _

_"What? What?" she had asked._

_"Look- we can camp here!" he said happily, pointing to a lilac colored tree._

_"I dunno..." Lak Shmi said skeptically._

_"Come on, Shmi!" he said. She stiffened at the affectionate term. It was like calling your older friend "-chan" in Japan, you know?_

_"All right," she sighed, "But if it rains we go back in."_

_And they slept under the tree, and it didn't rain. It was perfect and happy._

Not so tonight. The rain fell around her. Lak Shmi pulled her legs to her chest and shivered. Too bad she didn't have any money. Lard Nar wasn't like the kid she used to know. He was all, "I wanna blow it up!" and stuff. Lak Shmi smiled at that memory. She wished he knew how to seriously form a rebellion. She wished he still liked her enough to listen.

The rain on this planet was hard and cold and kind of burned. Lak Shmi rolled over and sighed. Her back was never going to be the same again.


	2. Chapter 2

****Hello again. Yep, I'm definitely going somewhere with this. Definitely. Yep. I kind of hate the title though, and I'm too lazy to think up a new one, so if y'all could suggest some, I'd give you free cupcakes. Free magic cupcakes. They're magic. Anyway, this is supposed to be funny. The first chapter was kind of not, but this one is more so. Here's this:

_Our hero, TehAntiFangirl, continues her quest to own Invader Zim!_

_TAF: Pleeeeeeaaaaaz? Please can I own you?_  
_Zim: What? WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE!? OUT! OUT!_  
_TAF: Can I at least own GIR?_  
_Zim: NO!_

Here ya go, then! Hope you like it!

**Chapter 2: The Plot Thickens... or at least gets weirder  
**

The next day, a ray of sun brought warmth and Dib.

"Goat alien?" he asked, almost Zim-like in his perplexity, "Did you sleep there all night?"

Sometimes aliens were kind of sad. And stupid. STUPID ALIENS!

"Yes," she grunted.

"Wow," he laughed, "Zim made himself a base his first night here. You must be more of a failure than even him!"

"Probably," she sighed, "I was kicked out of la Resistance, as you'd say here."

Dib stopped laughing, "You were-"

"I wish you'd stop prying, kid," she stretched.

"Don't call me that," Dib said, his eyes narrowing.

"Why not? If I were a human, I'd be... say... thirty years old," she mused, "I think I have the right to give you a some-what demeaning pet-name."

"Thirty? But then you're older than Zim and I!" he gasped, "You could be my mom!"

"Don't push it, kid."

"Right," he nodded.

"Yeah-huh. I'm gonna go die now," she said, groaning as her knees snapped back into place.

"Where'll you sleep tonight?" Dib asked curiously.

"Here," she said, surprised, "Where else?"

"But you hate it!"

"Yep," she said, "Is there a bathroom?"

He pointed her in the right direction. Dib wondered how she would do it with those freakish goat legs. Gaz came up behind him.

"Is that the goat girl?" she asked. He nodded. "Huh. She looks stupid."

"She is," said Dib, "I mean, _man_, that's a lot angst just waiting to be monologued about!"

When Lak Shmi got out of the bathroom, it was time for class. She headed to the creepy teacher, the place she had materialized randomly. What had she done to make Lard Nar do that? He hadn't been himself lately.

"Ah, Lak, you're twelve seconds late," Ms. Bitters said, "You have two hours detention."

"Um..." Lak Shmi said. A teacher or other authority figure calling a Vortian by the first name was the equivalent of calling your slave "master". Vortians have weird naming rules.

"HA! Inferior Vort-slave, doomed to stay in the pits of doominess and deathificational... stuff!" Zim said creepily.

"Okaaaaaay," Lak Shmi said, "Can I have a different seat, please?"

"No," said Ms. Bitters.

"Um..." Lak Shmi tried again, "I'll try not to be late again."

"You're pitiful personal goals are no concern of mine," Ms. Bitters hissed, "Take your seat now, Lak."

Poke. Poke. Poke. "Are you after my robot bee?"

"No."

"My mission?"

"No."

"My life?"

"No."

"GIR's life?"

"...Who?"

"Hhmmm," Zim said, "Hm, hum, HHHMMMM!"

"You obviously have a lot on your mind..." Lak Shmi said, scootching her chair away from him, then realizing she'd be near that Dib kid, so she balanced precariously between the two of them. Curse you Lard Nar... CURSE YOU!

Gaz was causing a pencil to float in midair in Mr. Elliot's class down the hall. Lak Shmi's internal outburst caught her psychic-attention. She had felt like that, cursing people, not too long ago. She felt a surge of something icky for the weird goat girl Dib was suddenly obsessed with. The icky thing was sympathy, and Gaz hated it. She gagged a little. It was HORRIBLE, feeling that way. People were stupid, and she, Gaz, should be beyond all that. But once in awhile, there was someone who she felt MAY deserve a LITTLE bit of attention. MAYBE. So far, not one of them had been human.

One was a duck. She still held a grudge against that duck.

Icky, icky, icky. She gagged again, making little sicky noises. When she felt like this, she wanted to destroy someone. Something. That thing that was making her feel icky.

Icky Lak Shmi.

Zim hated Vortians a little less than humans because they weren't exactly in his way. In fact, they served him, making him... things. He still hated them, of course, but he hated a lot of things. He hated Dib a lot. He hated Gaz a lot, but more passively, and then only when she got in the way. He didn't hate GIR most of the time. Only when he felt like it. He hated Skool, and his horrible Earth teacher-thing. He hated the Earth. He hated pretty much anything that wasn't Irken, taller than him, and evil. So he hated Lak Shmi.

She was also obviously upset about something dramatic and cool. ZIM MUST KNOW! If she wouldn't reveal it in a dramatic moment of... drama... HE WOULD BEAT IT OUT OF HER! WITH HIS POWERS OF POWERFUL DOOM! He cackled evilly, causing every student in the class to back away at least four feet.

Lak Shmi gripped the desk. The sooner she got out of here, the better. She'd buy herself a wig to cover her horns. Then she'd sleep under a tree again. Close to Skool, so she wouldn't be late... oh right. Detention.

Great.

She slumped in her seat. Darn. It was Lard Nar's fault. Stupid kid. Probably being exploded or worse up there, because he was so rash. Why didn't he listen to her plan? Was something bothering him that much?

The Massive was hurtling through space. Tallest Purple was stuffing his face with nachos.

"These are goood!" he said happily.

"Yup," said Tallest Red.

"Um..." said Subject Fangirl, "I'm seriously starting to freak out a bit, you know, the whole 'aliens freak out when trapped' thing?"

"Me too," said Subject Lard Nar, "We're both freaking out. I'm pretty sure you DON'T want to see the insane fangirl beast when she's freaked out."

"Oh, I'm terrified," said Tallest Red, sarcastically.

"Me too! Don't go crazy!" said Tallest Purple, not sarcastically.

"Look, you and your kind messed something up when you wrote those stories about us and Zim," Red told the teenage girl, "And you have to fix it. People have been acting progressively odder. Previously shallow drones are showing immense psychological depth. Non-existent Vortian naming rules have suddenly been taken for granted. Zim is confused about ethics, of all things! This is not how it's supposed to be."

"I don't know how to fix it!" the Fangirl cried.

Lard Nar groaned, "If only Lak Shmi were here. She'd be able to beat you up. She probably hates me, though. She doesn't know why I had to-"

"Your legs are stupid!" said Tallest Purple, "And so's your sob story. Lak Shmi does not exist. Hundreds of things that shouldn't exist, do. We have to destroy them, right Red?"

Red shuddered, "You're acting all... weird and girly again, Purple."

The Fangirl smiled a little, "Well, we can't stop you, but I know someone who can..."

A young fangirl, known now as TehAntiFangirl blinked. She felt the sudden urge to check . She opened her lap top and clicked the bookmark. The reviews on her fic were thousands of copies of the same thing: "Save the fandom!"

"What the heck is this?" she typed in.

"IDK, some troll?" someone else answered, "My reviews are jammed with this, too!"

Another message popped up: "The Tallests are trying to destroy the fan fiction universe!"

"Oh, I get it! We're role playing!" TehAntiFangirl responded, "Ok, what should I do?"

"Hack into their computers. If we get enough PC's to do this, their nacho review site will shut down. I think that's how that works. I mean, it worked for Anonymous..." the message read, "Btw, Lard Nar says hi."

"What?"

Jhonen Vasquez didn't like how things were developing in this latest monstrosity of a "fan fiction". That Vortian was fixing to become a flaming Mary-Sue. He sighed. It was time to end this thing before it could begin. He'd stepped in many times, told the writers off, corrected small errors in the reviews. He liked it when they told him he was a troll. That was a riot. But this was really going too far. He rifled through the Fangirl's notes. Lard Nar coming to save the day? Psh. How was he going to escape from the Massive? Who knows? It got worse. Tak... Zim... OH GROSS, REALLY!? He threw the notes in the fire and watched them explode with a satisfied smile on his face.

Yes, he had to destroy this. The Tallests had the right idea, for once. He put on his trench coat and took a sip of water, checking it for piranhas carefully first. He opened the door, and registered the scenery with a sigh. He was in space again. Oh well. That made navigating the universes somewhat easier. With a towel in his backpack and a fedora on his head, he was ready. So ready.

Jhonen was back to take what's his.


	3. Chapter 3

Hi again. Thanks for looking at this thing, people. Thirty-Five of you have wasted ten minutes of your life reading this. *Sniff* I'm so proud... Anyway...

_Our hero continues her valiant efforts to own Invader Zim._  
_TAF: Well, if I can't own you, can I own your rubber piggy?_  
_Zim: Huh. I guess you can own that. Here ya go._  
_TAF: Best. Day. EVER!_

* * *

**Chapter 3: Psychology Solves Nothing!**

There was a perfectly good undisguised alien in the room, and no one noticed. She was tired, sure, probably a little smelly and unsanitary what with the lack of a shower, but you could still recognize her as an alien.

At least, Dib could. He threw a glass of water at her. Her horns pressed flat against her head at the sting.

"What was _that_?" she hissed, "Is your water poisonous or something?"

"No," said Dib, "Well, yes, but not THAT poisonous. Aliens have very sensitive skin."

He made some notes on her reaction.

"Oh," she said, "So I guess humans don't? Cool, you're like, the master race. A delusional, corporate, master race. Reminds me of the Irkens."

"By the way, how was detention?" Dib asked.

"None of your beeswax," the Vortian hissed.

"That bad, huh?"

"I never want to see another math problem in my life," she muttered, "Which is kind of bad, considering my line of work."

The conversation was cut short by the loudspeaker crackling on.

"Would Dib, Zim, Gaz, and Lak Shmi please come to the guidance office for Skool Psykology? Cause y'all kinda actually need it, a lot. Like, really a lot."

Zim hissed and Dib let out a little groan. Lak Shmi remembered the last time she had been in a psychologist's room. It mostly involved being zapped with electricity for the amusement of the Irken jailers. This time, however, Lard Nar would not be there, muttering oaths against the Tallests, sarcastically putting his feet up on the table. Man, she missed that guy. Luckily, he discovered the flaw in the security system... heh. Good times...

"Come on, aliens. Quit your dramatic internal monologuing. Are you afraid of some stupid Psykologist?" Dib growled, dragging both extraterrestrials from the room by their wrists. Gaz met them down the hall. Lak Shmi looked up at her dazedly from her rather undignified position.

"Are you... Gaz?" she asked, pulling Dib's hand from her wrist and struggling to her feet.

"No," said Gaz.

"I guess you are, then," Lak Shmi grinned a little.

"Your voice annoys me," Gaz said. Lak Shmi shrugged a little.

"It tends to do that to people. Once, I was singing this song, and-"

"JUST SHUT UP," Gaz clenched her fists, "Look, here we are. Prepare to be bored out of your mind... if you even have one."

The unlikely group stared up at the door. The title was hideously misspelled. Dib noted it had undergone some renovations since Dwicky. Inside, one could vaguely make out some zen candles and Hindu ornamentation. One shrine was dedicated, somewhat ironically, to the goddess Lakshmi. Zim was tired of staring at a door. He kicked it down, revealing a woman sitting in the lotus position, smiling serenely.

"Welcome, kids," she said, "Can you sit like me?"

Lak Shmi just sat down, her knees bent like that naturally, so it was no big deal. Gaz refused to sit. Zim and Dib argued about nothing until Zim said, "Yes it is... times infinity!" and it was over, then he and Dib decided refusing to sit would be a good idea, too.

So there was Lak Shmi on the ground, and them. The Psykologist sighed. Why were there so many weird kids? WHY!? If she had her way, they'd be drugged up and sent on their way.

"So, I hear some of you are aliens?" she said, prompting discussion. Zim and Lak Shmi stiffened.

"Yes! Them," Dib pointed, "Don't you believe me?"

Gaz snorted, and the Psykologist just smiled a fake grin, "You must be Dib. You have to get over calling people aliens, I see. We'll work on that," she looked at Gaz, "And you're Gaz Membrane?"

"No," said Gaz, "That's not my last name."

"Ah," the Pskyologist said, "And is there anything you'd like to work on?"

"People remembering my last name."

"What do you think of the other kids here?"

"I don't see any other kids. Dib doesn't count, and Zim' and Lak Shmi are centuries old," she said, "Can I leave now?"

"What do you think of them, though?" the Psykologist's smile was seriously getting on Gaz's nerves.

"I want to destroy Dib for being annoying," she said coldly, "I want to destroy Zim for not destroying Dib, and I want to destroy Lak Shmi for making me feel icky and depressed. And I want to destroy you for asking me stupid questions."

"I made you depressed?" Lak Shmi asked, confused, "How?"

"You breathe."

"Now," the Psykologist said briskly, "What about you, Lak?"

"You don't have to call me-" she paused, then sighed, "I just want to go home. I want to find Lard Nar and find out what's wrong with him. I want to stop all the crazy mad science-y dissections going on. That goes for you too, Zim. I want to save the universe from imminent ethical implosion. Is that what you wanted to hear? That I'm a radical? AN ANARCHIST!? CLINICALLY INSANE!?"

The Psykologist almost cried. Three worst case scenarios in one day? She should be paid double to take a breath in this room. Horrible mutated child... she shuddered. Those... horns...

"What about Zim?" asked Zim.

She hadn't wanted to ask, but it seemed there was no choice. "What's up with you?"

"I'M NORMAL!" Zim declared proudly.

"GOOD. You can go, then..." she said, waving him away. Zim saluted and marched out of the room.

"Oh, COME ON!" said Dib, "He was the craziest one here!"

"Pft," said Gaz, "Look who's talking."

"All RIGHTY!" the Psykologist slammed her hands on the table, "We'll meet again next Tuesday, OKAY?"

"Okaaaay," the two children and one technical adult said, for what was not the first time in their lives and most certainly not the last. What with the way things were going.

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" the woman shrieked, losing all her previous poise and calmness.

Dib and Lak Shmi ran like heck. Gaz stared hard at the Psykologist.

"I seriously want to destroy you," Gaz said. The fleeing child and technical adult heard muffled screams coming from the Psykology room, but they didn't pay much attention. Muffled screams were always coming from somewhere, and with their respective backgrounds, both were used to it. FInally, they stopped in the hallway. Dib went off to do something about Zim's latest plan.

Lak Shmi sighed, slightly releaved that Psykology didn't involve electric shocks on this planet. But it was still horrible. Suddenly, the bell rang, and a stampede of children came rocketing from the rooms. She was knocked down, and crawled under a chair until the last crazed child had burst from the Skool to freedom. Ow... at least they weren't calling her a deformed mutant today. She had almost hurt someone after that. She didn't much appreciate jerks calling her deformed.

Or anything other than her name, really.

It was another "thing" she had. Sometimes, she felt an odd urge to shout "I AM LAK SHMI!" which would hardly have made any sense, considering Zim had a similar tag line.

There were rules governing that sort of thing.

Anyhow, it was time for her to buy a wig. People on this planet didn't have horns, and some of them seemed to rather like dissecting those who did. She shivered and drew her uniform closer around her. This planet seemed... off, somehow. Even more so than Irk. Like it was being rewritten or something.

She entered the Wig Store, the bell ringing. A waif-like girl with a blue wig looked at her, bored. The store was actually called Wig Store. Lak Shmi appreciated its integrity.

"Hello," said Lak Shmi pleasantly, "I'm looking for a wig to cover up these strange growths on my head."

"And the fact that you're bald?"

"That, too."

"Yep," said the clerk, straightening the blue monstrosity, "How old are you?"

"30," she said, counting in her head.

"You're short. Short and bald. And old," the clerk sifted through a Bucket o' Wigz. "Here's one."

It was a blonde pixie-bob kind of wig. Lak Shmi put it on. It covered her horns if she pressed them against her head. Which was painful.

"Thanks," she said, "How much?"

"Twenty dollars," sighed the girl. Couldn't this costumer read the tag?

"I don't have money," said Lak Shmi, "Would you take... my goggles?"

She pulled the goggles off her face. The clerk blinked at them. "I guess," she said, "They're cute. I could use some new cosplay stuff. Where'd you get them?"

"They were a gift," she said. From Lard Nar.

"Ah."

Lak Shmi left, affixing the wig, and the clerk put the goggles on. She blinked around. Things looked different. She pressed a button on the side of them.

"Hi, Shmi!" said a voice, and the clerk jumped, her wig sliding off a bit, "This is a recorded message from me, Lard Nar. If you found this, you were probably fiddling with the goggles because you were in danger and/or bored out of your mind. I'm also not with you. In fact, I'm probably a slave or captured or in a lot of pain right now. SO COME RESCUE ME! I NEED HELP! NOW!"

The clerk ripped the goggles off. She stared at them in wonder. Someone needed help. Someone who knew the short lady with horns. Meh. It wasn't her problem...

***

"Agh! Stop it! STOP IT!" Lard Nar bellowed. This tickle fight had gone too far. The Tallests had taken to abusing their prisoners for their own sick amusement, and also because they thought it was funny. Unfortunately, the Fangirl had nearly bitten one of Purple's remaining two fingers off in his attempt to conquer her ticklish-ness, so she was declared the winner.

She was also declared mad.

Lard Nar rolled away from his foe and hid in the corner. The Fangirl hissed a little when Purple tried approaching her again. Tallest Red laughed.

"She's almost like an Irken!" he said.

"It must be her weird, alien-ness acting up," grumbled Purple, "We should get someone with a license to do horrible tests up here."

"Yeah."

Lard Nar crawled over to where the Fangirl was sitting, humming quietly to herself.

"That was demeaning!" he grumbled unhappily, "I really have to escape now before my dignity is lost entirely!"

"That was creepy..." The Fangirl said.

"Yeah," said Lard Nar, "It was. So, are you going to help me bust outta here or what?"

Suddenly, God broke through the ceiling, except in this case God died his hair and wore a trench coat.

"Excuse me," he said kindly to his creations, "There has been a mistake..."

* * *

A/N: The Massive's tickle fights are universe-renowned for their scope and severity. Yep. BTW: Any weird alien "things" are based off "things" I actually have. Just a fun fact for you.


	4. Chapter 4

Oh, wow! An update! Yeah, uh... I kinda got my laptop confiscated by my homeroom teacher 'cause I forgot to sign it out one day... o.O Aw, man, middle school is stoopid. I wonder if she was reading Homestuck on this thing. Or this, for that matter. Jeez, I hope her eyeballs didn't bleed and fall out, poor woman. Yeah, so... anyway, enjoy. It only gets weirder from here...

_Our hero, TehAntiFangirl, continues her valiant attempt to own-_  
_TAF: I think they get it by now._  
_Zim: Me too. I'm gonna go make sure GIR didn't explode... or something._  
_*sound of explosion*_  
_TAF and Zim: 0_0_

**Chapter 4: Hooray! We're Doomed!**

Jhonen Vasquez smiled at the odd looks he was getting. "Heh. This isn't the first time I've had to do this..."

Magically, he removed the two prisoners from their Convenient Holding Cell™. With his powers of supreme creator-ness. Yeah. That wasn't cheating, no sir! It's his powers! Yep!

"Now then," he grinned, "I'd have LOVED to see some truly gruesome experiments, but I have to step in at SOME point, and it might as well be now. I'm Jhonen Vasquez, I made this universe. So before you completely obliterate the nice fourth wall I built, I'd like to explain some things. You're a Mary-Sue, right?"

The Fangirl nodded, "But you can just call me the Fangirl. Everyone seems to, anyway."

"Well, you decided to write a fan fiction about Lard Nar and your original character, Lak Shmi, but a strange explosion happened and suddenly, it was all too real. Lard Nar noticed something weird was going on, as did the Tallests, and it had something to do with Lak Shmi, so he sent her to Earth, telling her not to resist the sleep cuffs they were placing on her to keep her safe during the six day journey. She woke up confused and hurt, and Lard Nar was captured when it was found he had lost the mysterious Vortian who caused the weirdness. People were going increasingly OOC, you, Fangirl, flew through a crack in Space-Time, and ethics were revisited, am I correct?" he asked. The people nodded.

"The easiest thing to do would be to tell you to get rid of Lak Shmi and no one can ever write a fan fiction again," Jhonen said.

***  
"No..." TehAntiFangirl breathed. The dull glow of her laptop revealed Jhonen Vasquez's latest tweet.

_Hey fanfiction writers, stop writing for Zim. It's stupid. I'll sue you. I'm serious._  
_#Shutupfangirls #InvaderZim #Fans #Waffles_

The fan fiction universe was dying. Every Invader Zim site was clogged with comments rebelling against this latest ruling. Operation Head Pigeons had a video podcast up. Soapy Waffles had a new animation. There was so much opposition to the whole thing, a Convenient Space-Time Rift™ opened in the room of every insane Invader Zim fan. They had read enough fan fiction to know what they had to do. They grabbed their laptops and sketchbooks and journals and went through the rift.

***  
A soft thud was the sound of the fourth wall falling over. A thousand fans with murder in their eyes glared at our heroes.

"We have given up our social lives for this," they growled, "Don't make us stop now..."

Red and Purple took a step back. The Fangirl pumped a fist in the air. Lard Nar screamed. Jhonen looked at them with a mix of hatred, admiration, and pity. It was and odd feeling he usually only got when looking at street performers. The fans simultaneously flipped open their journals and laptops and sketchbooks, proudly displaying fan works of varying degrees of excellence.

"We are prepared to defend our right to torture and character from any show or book or WHATEVER we want," growled a burly looking young man.

"Even _Glee_?" asked Tallest Purple timidly.

"Yes," the boy looked around defensively. He was, indeed, wearing a _Glee_ t-shirt.

Jhonen narrowed his eyes. "Fine. Keep your fan universe. But I will destroy anything that does not fit with my view of quality. Or I will troll it constantly until your very soul disintegrates. Zim deserves better than... than this!"

He pointed at a particularly crappy picture of an Irken. Tears welled up in the eyes of the young woman who had drawn it.

"This is my OC," she whimpered.

"GO! GO NOW!" Jhnonen waved them away.

"We'll be watching you, too, Jhonen," said a well known fan fiction author, (you choose your favorite and insert him/her here), who was speaking for the others, "Try anything, and we'll be back."

The Convenient Space-Time Rifts™ appeared again. The fans made the universal "I'm watching you" sign as they returned to their dark rooms to read more Homestuck and eat cake. Cake is good. It is not a lie! DON'T TELL US OUR CAKE IS A LIE!

Shocking revelations that they are fictional characters aside, everyone decided it was best to have some sort of plan of action.

"I want to find Lak Shmi, I want things to be normal again, I want to save the universe with her," Lard Nar said quietly, "Her ideas were really, really good. Don't kill her. She's a good person, a good character if this is a show or something you're writing."

"Psh. No she's not," Jhonen said.

"She's... she's in danger, right now in the story," said the Fangirl, "You can do something, or you can let her die. It's up to you, Jhonen."

Jhonen shrugged, "Whatever. She's your character, not mine, and I honestly don't care what happens to her."

"Jhonen! You're so mean!" whined the Fangirl. She blinked up at him, using all her Sue-ness.

"I am... aren't I?" he smiled a little, resisting the Sue, "Naw, but I am God. See you soon, guys. Man, you were fun to write... I'll enjoy messing with you again. The Game has begun."

**(A/N: Oh darn, I just lost The Game. Thanks a lot, Jhonen!)**

He flew through the ceiling. The Tallests screamed. Lard Nar shouted at him to 'come back and fight', the Fangirl was mad because a respawn sequence is SUPER hard to work into a fanfic, and meanwhile Lak Shmi was had been captured and was now acting as the ever-annoying trope: Damsel in Distress.

Surprising, no?

Dib had caught an alien, much to everyone's surprise. Even his- it had been easy. Lak Shmi basically came home with him when he said she could sleep on the couch. It was pretty sad, actually. But whatever. Right now, she was sitting on his bed, looking at a paranormal poster as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world.

"It is a great poster," Dib said aloud.

"Yes," the alien said, "I like Cthulhu, too."

"Ha, yeah, but really Cthulhus are super overused," Dib said, "So, I guess I should secure you or something."

"Zim will come, though. Too bad he's gonna destroy your house," Lak Shmi sighed, "It's really neat house, but he'll destroy it if he finds me here."

"What?" Is this some kind of alien romance thing she's got going?

"Meh. All will be revealed soon enough. There will be a Surprising Development... or something," the alien pondered this suddenly genre savvy moment.

Gaz came in. She was eating a slice of pizza. She looked at Lak Shmi and felt icky again. Like, she _was_ the alien.

"That alien makes me feel gross," she said.

"Gaz? What are you talking about?" Dib asked, concerned.

"She makes me feel all depressed and gross, like I care about her or something," Gaz muttered.

"It's called sympathy," Lak Shmi said, "Or sensitivity."

"My sister isn't sensitive," Dib said, "Believe me."

Gaz looked horribly angry. She frowned and turned away, leaving the room. "Stupid alien and her stupid psychoanalysis..." she muttered, "Like she knows anything..."

"I made her upset," said Lak Shmi, smiling a little sadistically, "A small victory... heh, I sound like Irk Boy."

"That's no victory! She has problems!"

"We all do, Dib," Lak Shmi said. Dib remembered his previous decision to secure the preachy, hyper-ethical alien. He took the alien sleep cuffs out of his pocket. They had miraculously regenerated. It just took a really long time. Yeah. That's what happened.

"Not those again!" Lak Shmi groaned, "You do know those just put anything to sleep, not just-"

And she fell asleep. Dib smiled a little then he realized- there was a disgusting alien. Asleep. On his bed. SERIOUSLY!?

"Zim will come in and destroy not only the house, but the world, with her on it," the Fangirl said dully, "It'll take a while, I'll chronicle his adventures in space, maybe meet up with Tak, but Lak Shmi will respawn eventually, by the time he returns to Earth."

"I just want people to stop acting like crazed morons!" Tallest Red said, kicking an oddly smexy little drone out of the way, "The drones would never have danced like that before! I swear-"

"I want things to be normal too, Irken slime," said Lard Nar, "But I want them normal with my friend back. Alive. Shloonktapooxis should be coming soon, then I'll escape!"

***  
MEANWHILE...

Shloonktapooxis drifted aimlessly around the cockpit. "Hey, where are we going, anyway?" he asked.

"We're flying into that giant star to look for the Massive, sir," said a blob. Blob was a good soldier. He sure looked nice in that red shirt of his...

"What? Why are we doin' something as CRAZY as THAT?" Shloonktapooxis gasped.

Spleenk raised his arm. "I'm... uh... sorry, sir."

"Yep, I'm sure he's got it ENTIRELY under-control!" Lard Nar said proudly.

"Umm..." said Red, "I've been around here slightly longer than you, so I know that whenever anyone says something even REMOTELY like that, in reality, the exact opposite is true."

"Ooh, genre savvy!" Purple said excitedly, "Lemme do one! Um... right now, Zim's gonna call us and ask us what's up!"

Zim's face flickered onto the screen. "My Tallests!" he squee'd, "What's up?"

"Okay, that's not genre savvy, that's just creepy," said Tallest Red. The others nodded.

"Hey, it's Zim! Hi, Zim!" said the Fangirl, "Guess what? I met the Tallests! And Lard Nar! Check it out!"

"Eh?" Zim said, "What is a pitiful HYUMAN doing on the Massive?"

"Erm," Tallest Red said, "That's... NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! By the way, the Vortian on your planet was captured. Gofindhergoodbye."

The communication cut. Zim stared at the black screen. His Tallests... needed him to find and take the Vortian for Irk!

"COMPUTER! Take me to my Voot! I must find the VORT-THING and bring her to justice! IRKENJUSTICE! The Tallests DEMAND it!"

"But, sir-"

"NO HYUMAN BACKSIDES!"

"Okaaaay..."

GIR finally made an appearance. "Whatcha doin'?" he asked, "You gonna go plaaaay with da big-head boooooy?"

"Wha- NO! I'm finding an important prisoner! Now go away and help me!" Zim liked contradicting himself.

"Sir!" said GIR. He hopped into the Voot, obeying his favorite half of the command, and started it up. He liiiiiiked helping.

Zim was off on a rescue mission turned abduction turned wild goose chase. If only his Tallests could see him now...

* * *

I'll be going to Texas this coming week to visit my grandmother, so I won't be able to update... Instead, I'll just post the remaining chapters I have written before I go and post some more when I get back, kks?

Thanks for reading this and writing all your nice reviews!

Invader Ski: I like sneezing, too. Actually, I'm doing quite a bit of it as I write this...

Tallest Cora: I'm glad you like it! Have your tickle suit armed and ready... it's dangerous 'round these parts.


	5. Chapter 5

Erm... looks like only have one more chapter ready right now. Sorry... I'll try to work on more chappies. Probably. Most likely. Yeah. Anywho, over 100 views! YAY! Thanks for reading this, people! I'm not going to do a disclaimer, because Zim went to destroy Jupiter and won't be back for a while. He apologizes profusely and is very ashamed that he has let his adoring fans down.

_Zim: What? I never said that!  
TAF: Ha ha, you so did._  
_Zim: YOU'RE LYING!_

Here you go, then. Enjoy. See you (not really) when I get back from partying in Texas :P

I'm going to eat a burrito for the first time. THE FIRST TIME, PEOPLE!

* * *

**Chapter 5: Sentient Beings are Stoopid**

Gaz was back... she was back in black, like she was always. She was feeling less depressed and more angry. Stupid alien deserved what was coming to her.

Her eyes widened at all the cool implements of torture Dib had set up in Dad's lab. She looked at the alien, who looked incredibly annoyed. She looked at Dib, who looked kind of flustered.

"Well, I really can't think of much else TO do!" Dib said.

"OH, REALLY? So, instead of just asking me to go into a hospital and get an x-ray done, you're shooting electricity through me for FUN?" she crossed her arms, "That's kind of sad, Dib."

Dib looked desperately at Gaz, "Quick! Gaz! Think up a horrible experiment that could go horribly wrong involving this alien!"

Gaz stared at him, "Since when am I your personal assistant?"

"Gaz! Please!"

Lak Shmi stared at Dib's sister, "Well, this has been fun and all, but I really think-"

Zim chose that moment to burst through the wall, weaponry blazing, nukes armed, a general air of doomsday surrounding him.

"Oh _crud_..." Dib whispered, "You were _right_!"

"Of course I was," Lak Shmi said smugly.

"Don't push it," Dib growled, "_Kid_."

"DIB!" Zim bellowed, "THAT is a PRISONER of the IRKEN Empire! Unhand her AT ONCE!"

"So many... caps..." gasped Lak Shmi, covering her eyes.

"Psh. Whiner," Gaz grunted.

"By the rules of Irken conquest, as you've said before, I won and she's my prisoner!" Dib said.

"But you're not an Irken! And neither is she!"

"So?"

"You don't get to use the Rules of Conquest! DUH!" Zim stuck out his purple tongue, "Get your OWN rules!"

"All right, by the rule of Dib conquest, I get to do experiments on anything that ticks me off! WHICH YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW, SPACE BOY!" Dib said, getting into battle position.

"Caps..." Lak Shmi said again, wincing at the loudness, "OH, THE CAPS!"

"Whiner."

"You're goin' DOWN, DIB!"

"Not if I have to Dib Rules on my side!"

"Do they do this every battle?" asked Lak Shmi.

"Yes," said Gaz, "It's stoopid."

"They're sentient," Lak Shmi shrugged, "It's their right."

"OH COME ON! You can't use every other sentence to preach to us about your stupid sentient life forms religion thing you have! I'm sick of all this talk of SENTIENCE and ETHICS. I want things to be normal again. AND I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT," Gaz warned, "Sentient beings are stoopid. My whole life has been like a stoopid cartoon. Stoopid aliens, stoopid humans, stoopid robots... THEY CAN ALL DIE!"

The fourth wall bent under the OOC, doomy, and generally chaotic pressure, then suddenly burst open. Fangirls, fanboys, pigs all flooded the Invader Zim-verse.

"WE LUV YOOOOOOUUUUU!" they all shouted. Then, with an earth-shattering "SQUEE!" the universe *dies*.

***

"Gaz, it's me, Jhonen."

"Come on, it's not THAT hard to wake up from a coma."

"Gaz... there's pizza..."

Gaz sat bolt upright. She looked around, then looked straight at God. The spiky, red-haired kind.

"You," she hissed, "You did this to me. Stuck me down there with those idiots."

"Yep," he grinned, "Now, you're the only hope to save all this. Everyone's dead except for you because GUESS WHAT? You're immortal. Like Ms. Bitters..."

Ms. Bitters hissed from her dark corner, "I'm warning you, Jhonen..."

"...and Johnny..."

Nny looked up, confused, from playing with a knife, "I'm suddenly dead. How... fascinating."

"Wacky," said Gaz. Jhonen's eyes widened in fear, but Johnny didn't hear, luckily.

"Don't say that. And now, DECIDE! Do you want to go back to the ETERNAL PURGATORY that is LIFE, or stay in the ETERNAL PURGATORY that is DEATH?" Jhonen asked dramatically.

"Are there piggies in Death?" asked Gaz.

"No."

"Then I want Life," she said, "...I guess."

"THE ANTICHRIST HAS SPOKEN!" Jhonen shouted, "THE WORLD IS SAVED!"

"No it's not," said Gaz, "It's doomed. Zim's gonna destroy it, remember? What kind of a God are you? GOD IS STOOPID, GUYS! BECOME AN ATHEIST BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" she shouted to the humans regenerating on Earth.

"Ah ha ha, very funny," said Jhonen, "By the way, expect things to become weirder. I'm in control now, and I don't exactly plan to make life easy for you. NOW GO DIE!"

Johnny disappeared, still smiling vaguely. Ms. Bitters hissed, then decided to leave. Gaz narrowed her eyes, and glowered at all creation.

"Be warned, life," she said, "You're doomed."

***

"BE WARNED, DIB!" said Zim, "YOU'RE DOOMED!"

Life had resumed. Gaz had saved the day. And pigs.

"What just happened?" asked Dib.

"The universe *died*," Gaz explained, "I brought it back to life."

"That's my funny sister!" said Dib.

"Um, excuse me?" Lak Shmi said, "But I'm kind of in quite a bit of pain right now. Not to complain or anything, but I really just want to leave. You know, go home. Find my best friend. NOT DIE."

"The only home YOU'LL be going to is VORT! And VORT is now a PRISON! So you're goin' to JAIL! GIR! Free the Vortian then re-capture it!" Zim said. GIR's eyes shone red.

He went up to the bed. His eyes faded to blue as he caught sight of all the cool paranormal machinery da big-head boy had set up.

"What's dis doo? What's dat doo?" he asked, pressing random buttons. Electric shocks and fireballs and other things that were, you know, painful were blasted at the Vortian.

"STOP IT!" she shouted, "OH PLEASE, STOP! NO! I'M BEGGING FOR MY LIFE! I promised Lard Nar I'd never do that again after the Noodle Incident..."

"Wow," said Gaz, "The robot's better at torturing people than you, Dib."

Everyone stared in wonder at the beautiful sight, with Lak Shmi screeching melodically. It was incredibly beautiful, if only to the four little sadists in the room. Only they could appreciate its glory. Lak Shmi was still screaming with pauses for cursing in between attacks by GIR.

Vortian screams are quite pleasant to the ear.

"YAY! IT'S OVER!" GIR screeched.

The volley of shiny sharp things stopped. "Why?" Dib asked.

"THE FAT LADY IS SINGIN'!"

Everyone looked at Lak Shmi, who was trying very hard to suppress her rage. Okay, so maybe she wasn't trying that hard at all. She ripped the cuffs from the side of the bed.

"She is kind of fat," realized Dib. Gaz and Zim nodded, astonished by this stunning revelation.

"DON'T CALL ME FAT. EVER. AGAIN," she choked out. She also choked out some blood and internal organs. "I'm dying..."

"Oh no! The Fat Lady's DYIN'!" GIR cried, tears pouring from his eyes, seeping into his circuitry and causing him to black out.

"WHAT. DID. I. JUST. SAY," Lak Shmi groaned. There were burn marks all over her body. Blood was seeping out of her wounds, "Sorry, Nar... I failed you."

And she died, without the asterisks. The sheer irony surrounding her death and the cold indifference of young children and aliens shocked innocent moose everywhere.

***

"She's dead," said the Fangirl, using her author powers of KNOWLEDGE.

Lard Nar made a noise like he was puking and screaming at the same time. "That's IT? The Zim-Irken's robot insults her, and she DIES?"

"It's Jhonen. He's messing with us," the Fangirl explained.

"That was so sad," whimpered Tallest Purple, "She's really dead?"

"Until they can get her to respawn," explained Tallest Red, "The Fangirl we captured has to find a way to work it into the story."

"Oh."

The smexy little drone swaggered over and put her hand on Tallest Red's waist.

"Wanna have some fun, big boy?" she purred. People purr a lot in fan fiction, you'll notice.

"SEE? This is EXACTLY what we try to AVOID when growing smeets!" Red groaned.

"I'm sorry," said the Fangirl, "I really thought that was how it worked on the Massive."

"This is the military. DOES THE MILITARY OPERATE LIKE THIS?"

"No..."

Lard Nar sighed, "Look, you perverted... bad... things... we aren't going to sit back and watch anymore. I want to DO something. We're gonna jumpstart the respawn sequence!"

"Not so fast..." said a voice. No... the dreaded line, the cliché to end all clichés, and the best way to introduce a new character...

"TAK!" gasped the group.

"I'm going to end this sorry charade once and for all," her eye twitched, "Fan fiction... is EVIL. ZATR. DATR. LOOK. IT. UP. I will no longer put up with this... filth. I'm sick of it, and sick of you."

She advanced toward the Fangirl, who cowered behind Lard Nar, who raised an eyebrow.

"Who the heck are you?" asked Lard Nar.

"Oh... right, he doesn't know her!" whispered Purple.

Tak's eyes widened, "I'm Tak..." she blushed.

"NO..." the Fangirl said, burying her head in her hands, "NO! NO! NO!"

"What?" asked Red and Purple.

"Jhonen's writing slash," the Fangirl said, "It's Lard Nar x Tak... and it's good."

"Err..." said Lard Nar, backing away from the infatuated Tak, "Look, I don't-"

"FOCUS, people! FOCUS!" Red clapped his hands, "If we're gonna jumpstart the respawn, we're going to have to work TOGETHER as equals, and NOT as lovers!"

"Aww," said Tak and the Fangirl.

"Okay, then, Lard Nar and I will go on a solo advent-"

"NO!" the girls screamed. The girls jumped to Lard Nar's sides. Purple just stared at them.

"Or, Red and I could go on a solo adventure and you three can hold down the fort here," he offered.

Lard Nar opened his mouth in protest, but Red raised his hands menacingly.

"And remember- our race has superior tickling technology that we can and will use against you," he said evilly. Lard Nar squeaked, much to his embarrassment. Jhonen was getting into the SFX, he guessed. That would explain the earlier purring incident.

He sighed. Tak and the Fangirl seemed to have resolved their differences. It was remarkably difficult to hate the Fangirl, no matter how annoying she was.

Maybe it had something to do with her name... Mary-Sue.

* * *

You can tell a lot about people from what they have in their interweb tabs. I have the script for my school's play, FanFiction (duh!), Homestuck, Morse code translator to help me decode Homestuck because I'm lame and don't Morse, and a Wikipedia article on noir fiction.

Actually, you can't tell anything about people from their tabs at all. Never mind.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm baaaaaaaack! I saw my aunt and GUESS WHAT? It turns out, she's one of us! That's right, forks... my aunt is an Invader Zim fangirl! She liked my GIR hoodie :P I'm so HAPPEEEEEE!

Oh, so here's your chappie. I'm working on something... darker 0.o I really like darkfics, believe it or not. The angsty Zim-gets-caught ones are so hard to read without sobbing... I LUV THEEEEEEM~! I have issues, yeah. Anyway, here goes something...

* * *

**Chapter 6: It gets worse... or is that better?**

"Hey," said Dib, "I think she's... dead. GOOD JOB, GIR!"

"Thanks!" said GIR, not comprehending sarcasm. He had drained the water from his system. Of course. GIR can't die! It's like, the law of the universe! DUH!

"Nooo! Stoopid Dib-beast! You destroyed the prisoner!" Zim growled. Gaz poked the corpse.

"NOW what am I going to tell the Swollen Eyeballs? This is all your fault, ZIM!" Dib groaned.

"Oh yeah? Well... your head is stupid! It's a pile of stupid filth in your jelly legs that you need to BREATHE!"

Dib winced "Zim, no more making insults based on human anatomy. They're so bad, it hurts my brain to listen to you."

"It also hurts your legs!" Zim said knowledgeably.

"What? OK, I'm not even going to try to understand you anymore..."

Gaz snickered as the rivals slowly restarted their battle. She was feeling slightly less sadistic and more bored. She pulled on rubber gloves and dragged the body out of the room.

"I guess we could all be charged with murder for this," she said to herself when she reached her room, "So I'll just hide the body..."

"Hey! Kid! Get your filthy hands off me!"

"What the heck?" Gaz jumped back, "You're alive? How did you survive the bitter irony?"

"Oh, I'm not alive. I'm a ghost. Boo!" she cackled. It was a legit cackle. "Jhonen sent me back. He told me to stick around, wait for the respawn sequence or something crazy like that."

"And let me guess. I'm the only living person who can see you, and now we're like, blood sisters or something?" Gaz rolled her eyes.

"Yeah. He blamed some Fangirl for that garbage," Lak Shmi said, shrugging, "I guess it's part of the whole immortality deal."

"So... do ghosts eat all the pizza? Or cereal? Or watch bad paranormal TV shows?" Gaz asked.

"I'm lactose intolerant, so no on the pizza and cereal. And I don't know what a TV show is. So no on all counts, I guess," the alien replied, "Why?"

Gaz sighed. "I suppose I can tolerate you, then. Don't make a nuisance of yourself."

"Oh, come ON! My middle NAME is nuisance! I'm just one big nuisance catastrophe waiting to happen! That's how I've survived this long! You can't deny me my nuisance-ness!"

"Too bad. Until the respawn sequence, your stuck with me," Gaz smirked, "You're also kind of stuck in my room, because I don't want to watch Dib and Zim fighting over you again."

"They were... what?" she shook her head, "I don't think..."

"I was just kidding. Jeez. Who in their right mind would want to fight over you?" Gaz wrinkled her nose, "Anyway, I have to go to Skool, now. Stay here."

"But I have Skool, too, then! I have to go to Skool with you!"

Gaz pouted. "Oh. This is really gonna suck, isn't it?"

"Yeah," said Lak Shmi, "It's gonna suck raw greebsnork eggs."

***

"Hey, watch it!" Tallest Purple said. Red laughed maniacally, steering the ship violently to the left.

"BWA HA HA HA! NO NAVIGATORS! NO DRONES! JUST ME AN' YOU, BUDDY!" he screamed, doing a loop-de-loop that made the doughnut supply tip over.

"Really, Red!" Purple grasped a chair, "I'm gonna be sick!"

"No! Not on the rug!"

"Yeah well- hey, is that a Vort ship?" Purple gasped.

"Um, yeah, I guess so. Why?" Red asked.

"Shouldn't we be doing something?" Tallest Purple pointed to the boxy little ship. It looked kind of... not good.

"Not again!" Red moaned, "Call them, and tell them we're gonna blow 'em up!"

"This all sounds vaguely familiar," Purple mumbled, hailing the ship. A very disgruntled crew flickered onto the screen.

"We are the *HACK* Resisty!" Shloonktapooxis coughed, "What the HECK to you *COUGH* want?"

"Whoa! What happened to you guys?" asked Purple chummily.

"We *WHEEZE* went FLYIN' through a star, lookin' for Lard Nar, you know, the guy you kinda captured..."

"Oh, we're saving his girlfriend or something," said Red.

"Lard Nar has a girlfriend?"

"Yeah, some Lak Shmi chick."

Shloonktapooxis laughed and shook his head, "Oh no, they're NOT DATING! NOT AT ALL! Thank goodness for that..."

"Oh," said Purple, "That's boring."

"It really is," Spleenk said, "However, lots of stuff happens in between adventures, so we don't think to much about it. We're too busy running. And screaming."

"Ah."

"Yep."

"Well, we're looking for Lak Shmi," said Red, "Do you know where you dropped her off?"

"Some blue-y, green-y planet. It was called... um..." Shloonktapooxis checked the ship's log, "...Urrth."

"Oh no," said Purple, aghast, "Anywhere but there. Please tell me we don't have to go there!"

"Look, we'll survive," Red said, "Finding the Vort chick is a lot more important than any failed invader. We'll just tell him to buzz off if we see him. He can't disobey a direct order."

"I have NO IDEA what you're talking about," said Shloonktapooxis, "But we'll give you the coordinates for Urrth if you give us the coordinates of the Massive so we can find Lard Nar!"

"But, if we give you Lard Nar, and then we find Lak Shmi, isn't that just exchanging one prisoner for another?" Tallest Red raised a brow, "Sounds pretty stupid to me."

"We'll rendezvous at some point and do some mad bargaining. Don't worry, we're professionals. We just got Lou here back from the Meekrob, and it only took five years!" Spleenk said proudly.

"Hiya," said Lou.

"Okay... but don't try anything! In fact, I've got half a mind to beam you all over until this crazy thing is over!" Red said.

"Oh no! Don't do that! It will make Lou have... flashbacks," Spleenk whispered.

"Okay, now my mind is made up. We're beaming you over, and we're going to Earth," Red said, "Purple, lock onto their coordinates."

"Mmkay," he grunted. The crew disappeared on the screen and reappeared behind the Tallests.

"The... horror..." Lou whimpered, covering his eyes.

"Oh, that's just great! Thanks a lot, guys! Now we're so busy saving Lou from implosion that we're forgetting that you can easily throw us all in that Convenient Holding Cell™ right over there!" Spleenk said, annoyed.

One Convenient Holding Cell™ later...

"You had to say that out loud, didn't you?" Shloonktapooxis growled to his fellow crew member.

"I said I was sorry!"

***

"Well, what do we do now?" the Fangirl asked.

"Yeah, Lard Nar, you're really adept at this stuff, aren't you?" Tak said with a little smile. Lard Nar knew that smile. He shuddered.

"Um..." he looked uncertainly at the navigators, who were feeling especially honored to be left in charge of the Massive and some important prisoners. The drones were still acting... oddly, but only the Fangirl could place the exact reason why it was so odd.

The others were, thankfully, protected by Jhonen's divine influence.

Plus, the Fangirl just has her mind in the gutter.

"I guess... we can get... snacks?" the Vortian had never had Irken snacks before. He was very curious about their supposedly mystical properties. He could use all the mysticism he could get.

"That's a great idea!" the Fangirl said, "...Nar."

Oh no. She called me... did she just seriously call me...? Lard Nar was in such total formality shock he didn't notice the lightening flashing between the two females.

Formality means a great deal to Vortians. According to myth, a war was once started because of a lapse of manners. It was called The Great War on Burping. Some thought burping at the table showed appreciation of the food, others thought it incredibly distasteful.

Enough history. It's stupid and pointless. Don't let my history teacher know I said that...

"You're not even allowed to get snacks, you know," one of the navigators whispered, "Well, the Irken is, but not you."

Grateful for distraction, Lard Nar said, "Uh... Tak, is it? Would you please go get us some nachos?"

"Of course, Nar," she said, looking daggers at the Fangirl. She stepped into an elevator and went downstairs.

"That was... odd," Lard Nar remarked to a nearby drone.

"I don't speak with lesser-thans," she huffed, turning her head haughtily. Lard Nar realized she must not have many people she's allowed to act haughtily to.

"What kind of a hole did you think the Massive was?" Lard Nar hissed to his fellow prisoner.

"I... I was watching a movie," the girl said sullenly, "I thought all ships acted like this."

"That's... that's just..." he shook his head, "I'm sorry, I can't even begin to describe how twisted and insane that is."

"What, doesn't your ship have a bar?"

"...I won't even dignify that with a response," he said.

***

Jhonen downed the last of his coffee. Fan fiction was pretty fun, actually. Not as fun as drawing stuff, but still pretty fun. It was like working on an episode of Zim, but without annoying writers trying to "dumb it down" for the kids. He was pretty disgusted with that little girl for sticking some sleazy brothel in the Massive. That's just messed up! I mean, really! Violence and death is okay, but honest to God, who'd think of putting a sleazy brothel in the sky?

**(A/N If any of you have read Problem Sleuth, I love you- you are the blessed few who got that reference.)**

He saved the file. Things were happening. Lots of things. He'd almost forgotten he had a life outside of this. It was frightening. This must be a side effect of writing fan fiction. Jhonen sighed. He had some drawing to do. He was on a deadline.

More coffee. He closed the file. There was a review on his fan fiction. He opened it.

This is awful. You can't write for Gaz at all, can you? I mean, she'd never say that! And what's with naming your account "legit im srsly jhonen vasquez no joke"? COME ON!

He laughed for ten minutes, then went to eat cheese.

He very much liked cheese.

That's why he made the goat-thing lactose intolerant. So she could never experience the joy of cheese.

He was evil. Sheer evil.

He sighed. One more cup of coffee, and he'd be able to commune with his creations. Jhonen Vasquez buys really good, really strong coffee for the sole purpose of communing.

In the kitchen, his last cup was brewing. Lying in wait, quietly. It was almost ready.

The clock was ticking. His fan fiction was up to a thousand views. A thousand eyes watching, waiting.

It would have been creepy, had they not all been girls between the ages of 12 and 27. The fanboys were all playing Minecraft.

* * *

Fun fact:

I am a HUGE fan of hard boiled detective fiction!

Any other Dashiell Hammet readers out there? No? Aw... I'm such a loser. :'( Actually, I'm also the only girl in my school who likes Invader Zim *sobs* THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF MY FAILURE, GUYS!


	7. Hiatus for a Bit!

_Lak Shmi: What the heck is going on?_

_Gaz: I think... I think we're on hiatus._

_Lak Shmi: OH SCHIZZ._

Um... I'm putting this thing on hiatus for a bit. I'm terribly sorry, but I'm very busy at school and home! I should be back by next week, at most... I don't know if that counts as a hiatus, but... um. So, I really have NO IDEA AT ALL where I'm going with the story! I think I'll do some more of Tak's inverted unrequited love storyline, eventually. Suggestions are appreciated! Really, seriously appreciated! Please suggest something! PLEEEEEAAAAAAAASE WITH CHEEEEEESE!?

Anyway, this is TehAntiFangirl, signing off. Stay classy.


	8. Chapter 8

I'm baaaaaaaaaack! I promise I'll put in more cheese and space battles! At some point! BUT NOW! Things are beginning to happen in this story! SUCH MARVELOUS THINGS!

_Disclaimer: I tried tying him up in my basement, but I still fail to own Invader Zim. _

_Disclaimer to the Disclaimer: No adorable little green aliens were harmed in the making of this fan fiction. Yet._

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Intergalactic Trolling for Beginners**

"Got any fours?"

"Huh? No."

"You're supposed to say 'go fish'."

"Oh. Go fish. Eh... what IS a fish?"

"I dunno."

"Hey guys. What're you doing?" Tallest Purple asked the prisoners.

"Meh. Playing some game," Spleenk said, bored.

"Are we there yet?" aske Shlooktapooxis.

"Mm... no. We have a few hours," Purple checked the maps, "Yep. We'll be there, soon, though."

"This is so BORING!" Shloonktapooxis whined, "Why can't we just cut to something more INTERESTING? Where things are HAPPENING?"

"Hmm... now that you say it..." Purple said, "Let's see here..."

"What?" Spleenk raised an eyebrow.

Purple grinned "Ah! Here we go! BING!"

Jhonen needed coffee. The last cup was waiting... oh, how he wanted that coffee. Bitter, smooth, dark coffee. Slightly hallucinogenic drink of the gods... quite literally, in this case. He could not resist the call of that hallowed drink. He got up and went into the kitchen. Dark, epic Lord of the Rings music played as he FIRMLY GRASPED the mug. Slowly he put it to his lips. Then, he was all like "What the heck" and downed the whole thing in one gulp.

"Time for some serious communing," he said, wiping away his coffee mustache. He felt the world melting away around him. Yesss... coffee... ahahahahahahaaaa...

"NOW, Dib! YOU WILL REGRET EVER HAVING MESSED WITH ZIM!" Zim said dramatically. Wait... we should back up a bit. WHY exactly, is Dib tied to GIR, being slowly lowered into a pot of boiling oil? How did this strangely stereotypical happening come to be?

You really don't give a crap, do you?

Let's just say it had to do with an epic battle that lasted thirty seconds, half a grilled cheese sandwich, and a REALLY annoying pop song.

"GIR, that song was too much! It most certainly is NOT Friday, and we will not be 'getting down'! I must DESTROY YOU BOTH!" Zim cackled evilly. Dib struggled against his bonds, but it was ALL IN VAIN! Because, pretty soon after that, there was a bright flash of light and our favorite artist, the Coolest, Awesomest, Scariest guy you'll ever meet appeared.

"We finally meet," Jhonen Vasquez smiled, "I guess that's pretty cool. Hey, guys, I'm Jhonen. I'm here for a bit of... DIVINE INTERVENTION!"

Suddenly, GIR and Dib were free and standing safely behind God. Zim screamed in fury.

"WHY do you do this to MEEE?" Zim wailed.

"Aw, man, Zim," Jhonen laughed, "You're so annoying!"

"Zim is not annoying!"

"Yes you are- wait, no, not getting stuck in that again," Jhonen said.

"Wait a minute!" Dib said, "You're... you're Jhonen Vasquez!"

"Sure, Dib," Jhonen said.

"You wrote Johnny the Homicidal Maniac! Man, I love that comic!" Dib grinned, "Can I have your autograph?"

"I'll do better than that," Jhonen grinned, "You always wanted to ride a moose, right?"

"Oh, yeah!"

"Me too! Let's go!" Jhonen laughed, running out the door. Dib followed his hero happily, leaving his rival and the insane robot behind.

"What just happened?" GIR asked, "HUH? HUH?"

"I think..." Zim said uncertainly, "We were just 'trolled'."

"OH HO HO..." the Fangirl grinned evilly, her eyes narrowed into the blinding glow of her laptop, "YESSS..."

"What are you doing?" asked Lard Nar.

"Getting my revenge," she explained, "As long as Jhonen is in this Universe, I can control him through the awesome powers of my fanon. I'm writing Jhonen/Dib... AND IT IS GOOOOOOOOD!"

"I don't think that's good at all," Tak said, returning with a bag of chips, "You're a horrible writer! I mean, I want to like your character because she's not a complete and absolute douche like so many Invader Zim protagonists are... seriously, there's like, no good guys."

(A/N: I forgot to thank ngrey651 for informing me that Lak Shmi is indeed not a feminine hygiene product! I never knew...)

"Zim is good! Dib's good!"

"Zim's genocidal, Dib's needlessly sadistic, need I say more?" Tak folded her arms, "I mean, I'm all for genocide and sadism, but really-"

"Jhonen's good, Gaz's good, Lard Nar's good..." the Fangirl counted off on her fingers.

"What the heck? Jhonen's just... and Gaz is... Lard Nar, well, I guess he counts as..."

"Gaz and Zim together are good, Zim and Dib together are good..." the Fangirl said dreamily, "You're the only bad one here, Tak."

"OH MY GOD," Tak shouted, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Umm... ladies?" Lard Nar said, "Shouldn't we be doing something to... I don't know, prevent space-time from cracking any more than it already has?"

"Shut up, Nar, this is girl talk," the Fangirl hissed. Lard Nar was incredibly offended. How rude!

"Listen, kid, you think you're so smart, you're all 'Look at me! I control the universe!' and I'm SICK OF IT. We're going to do a true battle now. An awesome battle, with sick burns and doom and flaming piles of SHEER DOOKIE!" Tak shouted dramatically.

"So that's how you want it," the Fangirl said. She opened her backpack, and with a flourish, cloaked herself in the GIR Jacket of Fandom, "It's on."

"A BATTLE OF FANON VERSUS CANON!" Tak declared, "ALIGN YOURSELVES, FOOLS!"

As if some sort of cosmic event caused her words to be heard in an entirely different Universe, Invader Zim fools across the other Earth decided to choose once and for all: the shipping madness of Fanon, or the dark sarcasm of Canon. What occurred next was known as the Fanon vs. Canon Troll War of DOOM! 4chan, Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook were overrun with meaningless, ungrammatical notes swearing allegiance to one side or the other. Memes were made. Blogs were posted. An article was written by a very confused reporter for the New York Times.

Nickelodeon considered bringing the show back.

"Hey, Jim... remember that show? The one with the insane fandom? Zid... was it?"

"Yeah, sure. It's all the rage with the teens and college kids."

"Maybe we should... you know, make a few more episodes?"

"Naw. Too much work. Let's make another Dora spinoff."

"Considered" is the key word, here.

Meanwhile, back on the other Universe Earth...

"So, I was all like: 'You wanna piece of this?' and he was all like, 'Oh god, space girl with a gun, SPACE GIRL WITH A GUN,' and I like, set the thing to stun and shot the creep across the room. That was the most awesome moment of my life," Lak Shmi finished.

"Not that your weird resistance exposition isn't fascinating, but YOU'RE ANNOYING THE HECK OUT OF ME. SHUT. UP," Gaz hissed. It stinks when you're being trailed to school by a ghost.

"Sorry," Lak Shmi said with a sigh, "It's just, I never get to tell anyone anything cool like that."

"Maybe that's because you're the most uncool alien nerd girl ever born?" Gaz said, rolling her eyes, "I mean, seriously, Lak Shmi, you HAVE ASTIGMATISM."

"What's that? OW!" she bumped into a lamppost.

"What happened to your bizarre goggles?"

"I traded them. For the wig."

"Oh my god... you traded them for the tacky 60's wig?"

"Your numerical system means nothing to me," Lak Shmi huffed, "And the trade was necessary. It's not like that dull salesgirl could have done anything important with them."

"You do know that when you say that, it means she's ascended to god tier and will become an impossibly powerful villainess in a couple chapters, right?" Gaz asked.

"Um... what?"

"I'm just using my genre savviness," the girl said with a dry laugh, "Don't take that seriously."

"Oh ho ho..." the dull salesgirl chuckled. These were clearly no ordinary cosplay goggles. She fiddled with one of the dials.

ASCEND TO GOD TIER? Y/N

Well, the answer to that was obvious. She selected Y.

PROCESSING...

LOADING...

GENERATING AWESOME ANIME HEROINE OUTFIT...

COMPLETE. PREPARE TO ASCEND...

"Yesssssss," the girl said. She slumped forward at her table. Soon, she would be the most powerful deity ever.

More powerful than Jhonen, even.

Her name was the Producer.

"That was really interesting!" Spleenk said excitedly, "Thanks for showing us those very important plot points!"

"You are very welcome," Tallest Purple grinned, "Hey, Red, are we there yet?"

"Almost," said his co-Tallest, "Only a couple more minutes..."

"Oh boy! I can't WAIT!" Shloonktapooxis shrieked.

"Once you meet Zim, you'll regret saying that," Red predicted dourly.

"Ugh... Zim... He deserved to be trolled by that little girl..." Purple said.

"Purple, you should stop being so mean to Zim!" Red reprimanded.

"Why?"

"Because... I love him."

A shocked silence.

Suddenly, Almighty Tallest Red burst out laughing, "TROOOOOOOLLED!"

Everyone enjoyed several minutes of awkward giggles, until someone pointed out that Earth was very near and shouldn't we be landing soon?

"WHEE!" Dib cried as the moose gallivanted around its pen. Jhonen and he had enjoyed many moose races at Moose Park.

"This is impossibly fun," Mr. Vasquez said.

"Yeah!" Dib grinned, slowing his moose to a stop, "Wait- you saw Zim... out of his disguise! You... you know...?"

"Dib, I'm God. I know everything," Jhonen rolled his eyes.

"The guy who wrote JtHM is God. No wonder the world is so messed up..." Dib trailed off in thought, "Never mind that! Having God on my side had GOT to get me some credibility! Come on! We have to expose Zim's organs!"

"As much as I'd absolutely love to manifest a good old-fashioned dissection, I'm afraid I can't do that. There's a fine, fine literary balance going on here," Jhonen said.

"Forget literature! This is the FATE OF THE WORLD!" Dib cried.

"That's basically the same thing," Jhonen tried to explain, "If the plot line leans too far in favor of one of you over the other, KABLOOEY! There goes reality!"

"B-but!" Dib whined, "Organs! COME ON!"

"Organs..." Jhonen grinned maniacally, "Who am I kidding? Come on, little boy, let's go be as morbid as absolutely possible."

"YES!" Dib pumped a fist in the air, "FINALLY!"

Jhonen grabbed the boy's arm and made a mad dash toward Zim's lab. They didn't have a plan. They didn't have a motive. IT WAS FOOLPROOF.

"What's a darkfic?" asked Lard Nar skeptically.

"I'm sorry, Nar, but you are so obnoxious sometime," the Fangirl sighed, "Can't you see Tak and I are working out our differences?"

"_You_ shut up, Fangirl," Tak grunted, typing frantically, "With this awesome darkfic I can strategically RUIN ZIM'S LIFE!"

"I really don't understand," Lard Nar looked from the Fangirl's romantic, pedophiliac script, to Tak's dark and gory one, "How you are going to make this work."

"Oh my god, Lard Nar, SHUT UP," the Fangirl said, adding her idea of a lemon to a paragraph. The Vortian recoiled in disgusted horror at the creepiness.

"Yeah, Lard Nar, can't you see we're trying to write?" Tak glared at him.

"But..." he shook his head, "But... this isn't writing! It's... it's perverted evil!"

"It's called your life, Lardy," the Fangirl rolled her eyes, "So who do you want to end up with?"

Oh.

My.

God.

Creepy-ometer maxed out. Rebooting...

Rebooting...

Processing...

Done.

"WHAT!? WHAT!? YOU'RE... YOU'RE WRITING ABOUT ME!?" he gagged and and started to sob a little, "No... NO! THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!"

"... 'Lard Nar gets Stockholm's Syndrome and falls deeply in love with Almighty Tallest Red' ," she suggested. Lard Nar only made incoherent noises in reply.

"I vote for unethical experiments on both of you," Tak typed in.

"Oh yeah? Well, Zim calls you in a last, desperate attempt for help... AND YOU CONFESS YOUR UNDYING LOVE!"

"You wouldn't!"

"I'm writing it down..."

"No! Anything but that... FINE! I'll erase the part about the experiments!"

They continued to indirectly influence their friends and frienemies' lives, while Lard Nar whimpered softly in a corner, trying to un-see horrible mental images.

"Please... if there's someone they can't control... get me out of here..." he murmured.

The Producer awakened, and immediately noticed that the situation was getting out of control. She ran a hand through her snow-white hair, and blinked her large, pale blue eyes.

She was perfect. But she was not bent on finding love or wealth. She wanted complete and total control over every detail of the story that was unfolding around her. She would take it from the meddlesome girl and the violet eyed woman, she would take it from the bespectacled artist who called himself 'God', and she would take it from the thousands who read the story from behind the Fourth Wall.

She would make it hers.

* * *

I really enjoy freaking Lard Nar out, for some reason. There are probably 50 schmillion mistakes in here because I didn't have time to edit this very well! I hope you enjoyed it, anyways.


	9. A Stupid Update

**Here's a stupid update:**

Um... yeah. Well, the next chapter is really... involved, let's say, an it's taking me a loooooooong time to write. Why, you ask? Let's just say it's Tak and the Fangirl's epic one shot, **THE DARK TALE OF super hawt bromance XD**. You can picture the insanity already, can't you? Also, I'm working on... THINGS! Mainly, I'm starting a webcomic! Hopefully! So, the next chapter might not be up for a while. I will tell y'all if the webcomic's up... it'll probably be crap, cos, you know... I'm 13...

Yup. I'm... gonna go... sleep. Now. And dream about pie.

TehAntiFangirl, out.


	10. Chapter 10

God, this took a while to right. Heh. I like the way it turned out, though. WHY ARE HORRIBLE FAN FICTIONS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE? WHY!?

*cough* Anywho, here you go, my poor, confused, traumatized readers. You poor, poor dears.

* * *

**Chapter 8: A DARK TALE OF SUPER HAWT BROMANCE**

What follows is Tak and the Fangirl's attempt at con-troll-ing the fate of the world through the awesome powers of fan fiction.

**Tak types grammatically correct sentences in bold.**  
the fangirl writes uber-cute ungrammaticalful sentenceses :3  
_When they talk to each other, it is italicized._

Are you ready for a My Immortal-esque mindsplode? Here we go...

**A DARK TALE of** super hawt bromance!  
**by Tak** and the fangirl-chan nyaa!

**Jhonen and Dib ran quickly through the pouring rain. It was not painful to them, because they are human. Humans are very lucky in that sense. Soon, they would arrive at their destination. Jhonen wielded a scalpel madly-**

and he looked so hot and gothic! dib looked up at him with love and admiration in his warm, brown eyes. teh rain kept pouring and pourin and jhonen smiled down at dib and said "are you ready 4 dis?"

**"Yeah," Dib said, "I've been waiting ever since Zim got here! I can't wait to slowly slice into the little bugger's organs..."**

or could he? he pondered the ethical and moral consequences of his actions-

**Oh no he didn't! Zim deserved every stab!**

"its ok if u dont wanna do dis, dib," jhonen comformted him.

**"Of course I want to do this! I'm not afraid!" Dib said.**

or was he?/?

_"Stop making it all sappy!" Tak complained, "They go in, they chop Zim up, they go home. The end. What is your PROBLEM?"_

_"Zim can't die!" the Fangirl wailed, "He's too adorable to die!"_

_"Sh... shut up," Tak sputtered, "We agreed Zim would be dissected in the first chapter!"_

_"Fine! But he won't die!"_

_"Whatever. Just stop adding gross human love stuff to my amazing darkfic!"_

**"Let's go, then," Jhonen said. The rain stopped just as they reached Zim's little cul-de-sac.**

**"This time, it's for revenge, Zim," Dib said quietly.**

meanwhilz, at skool...

_"What!?" Tak said, "What's with the 'meanwhile'?"_

_"This story's s'posed to be about Lak Shmi! I can't just leave her and Gaz!" the Fangirl explained._

_"Lak Shmi is stupid!"_

_"YOUR FACE is stupid!"_

_"Stop that!" Lard Nar admonished, "I do think it's important that we establish what the other characters are doing, however."_

_"Nobody cares what you think," Tak grumbled._

_"Right, then," the Fangirl clapped her hands, "On with it."_

meanwhilz, at skool...

"i hate skool," said gaz, "evryones such a posr."

"wats a posr" asked lak shmi.

"its a loser who hates on your awesome bromance fic (Taktaktaktak)"

"oh i h8 dem" lak shmi said.

"hey look heres my clas," gaz said.

"yay lets leran stufs" lak shmi said gofficly.

the both went in looking all cool and goff an all the boyz were lik "gaz is so hawts" but they couldn't see lak shmi becuz she was a ghost an only cool ppl lik gaz can see gosht.

**Meanwhile, back in the part of the story that actually matters...**

**Dib knocked on the door. Zim's cruddy SIR unit opened the door.**

**"PIZZAAAAAAAAAAAA!" it said obnoxiously.**

**Jhonen killed it.**

_"Whoa whoa whoa!" the Fangirl cried, "What- no! You can't... you can't kill GIR!"_

_"I've done my research on darkfics. He dies in every. Single. One," she grinned._

_"N...no! No! It's NOT TRUE! YOU'RE LYING!" the Fangirl sobbed, "GIR... GIR, my baby..."_

_"Um..." Lard Nar said, "Why did you have to kill the thing, anyway?"_

_"Because it's cool," Tak said._

_"UM..." Lard Nar said again._

gir wuz acshully not ded.

**Yes, he "acshully wuz".**

i betz a hundred people are gunna h8 on this fic and its gunna be ur fault...

**ANYway, Jhonen kicked the body aside. Dib looked at it, slightly disconcerted, then moved forward.**

ur doin it 2! u made dib fink about effics!1

**Stop ruining the story with your inane comments. Zim climbed out of his stupid toilet elevator device and gasped when he saw Jhonen and Dib.**

**"Oh no! Humans! IN THE BASE OF ZIM!"**

_"You're really good at writing for Zim," the Fangirl told her._

_"I like to think so."_

**"That's right. It's time to find out what you've been hiding inside of you all this time, Zim," Dib said.**

**"I hope there'll be blood," said Jhonen, "They never let me draw blood. I WANTED TO DRAW BLOOD!"**

**"Holy... what did you do to GIR?" Zim asked.**

**"We're destroying everything that means anything to you, ZIm," Dib said.**

**"ONE BY ONE," Jhonen said, destroying Zim's base with**

a singl awsome ninja move

_"Good one," Tak said. _

**"NOOOOO! MY BEAUTIFUL BASE!" Zim sobbed.**

**"You're dead!" Dib laughed as humans gathered around the remains of the base, "And I'll be taking you... FOR SCIENCE!"**

"dats so cliche and prep," zim said hawtly.

"shut up" said dib "imma invade ur body."

_"What the heck?" Tak gasped. Lard Nar began to twitch a little._

_"What? What's wrong with him saying that?" the Fangirl asked innocently._

_"You are the most disturbing individual I have ever met, and that's saying a LOT!" Tak said._

**Zim began to totally freak the freak out. "You'll never have me! NEVER!"**

**"We all ready do..." Jhonen said ominously. Zim looked up in horror to see FBI choppers circling his house. He tried to run but was tackled by muscular FBI... people.**

teh fbi pple were stupid preps.

**No they weren't. They were totally boss. Zim screamed as they forced him into this armored truck.**

**"Congratulations, kid," one FBI... person (I guess?) said, "You wanna see what we do to threats to society?"**

**"Heck, yeah!" said Dib.**

**"Awright! One dissection, coming up!"**

**"Can I come too?" asked Jhonen.**

**"Of course, sir."**

**"May I participate in aforementioned dissections?"**

**"Why, certainly."**

**"OH, HECK YEAH!" Jhonen shouted.**

**"Ooh! Me too, me too!" Dib said.**

**"Everyone in the fun mobile!" the FBI person said, open the door. Zim was being 'subdued', which is human for 'tied to the backseat and pumped full of drugs'. **

dib looked back at his former emeny an felt bad cos he wuznt teh same all mesed up wif da drugs an stuf.

**Oh yeah. He really missed being mocked and beaten up by good ol' Zim. NOT.**

but there wuz 1 part of him dat felt sorta, kinda, a little bitz bad for zim?

**No. No. NO! He did not feel bad AT ALL. He was in the fun mobile, ready to go to the FBI headquarters and MESS UP SOME ALIEN BUTT.**

_"Holy crap," the Fangirl said, "You think I'M dirty?"_

_"What? Oh... oh my... Irk... I didn't..." Tak blushed, "Well, you made me do it!" _

_"I didn't! I didn't!" the Fangirl laughed, "There's hope for you, yet."_

_"Hey, Nar, what do you-" Tak looked around. The Vortian was gone. "Where'd the prude go?"_

_"I dunno. Probably off being cute somewhere," the Fangirl sighed romantically._

_"Probably..." Tak said._

_Lard Nar was currently off being cute down the hall, snacking on a bowl of nachos. A shadow loomed over him. _

_"Uh... hello?" he said softly. _

_"Not a word," the Producer said. She pulled out a katana... a FREAKIN' katana! "Take me to the freaks."_

**Zim woke up to discover he was lying on a stainless steel table. He was paralyzed, somehow. It must have been the humans.**

**"Enjoy your rest, Zim?" Dib chuckled.**

**"Dib-thing..." Zim said hoarsely.**

**Jhonen flipped a knife through the air, but didn't catch it. He didn't have enough mad skillz to be able to catch a knife in midair. **

**"So, where, exactly, does one begin when dissecting an alien?" Dib asked him.**

**"You begin," Jhonen explained, "Wherever you want, and only stop when there's nothing left."**

"kyaa!" zim screamed hotly. hes soooooo kawaii!111! i lloooove hiiiiim!

_"That's enough!" shouted a voice with an even thicker, cooler, awesome-er accent than Tak's. In the doorway stood a woman more goth than the Fangirl, more British than Tak, more heroic than Dib, more powerful than Jhonen, more twisted than Zim, more creepy than Gaz, and more of a Mary-Sue than twenty Lak Shmi's. Beside her stood Lard Nar. He waved a little sheepishly._

_"Oh my god!" the Fangirl, "You're that one girl! That cool girl I always draw!"_

_"Horribly. You draw me horribly," the Producer corrected, "Now, you imbeciles, stop trying to turn a perfectly innocent children's story into a monstrosity by Stephen King."_

_"What?" Tak said, "We're fixing the story._

_"In 'fixing' the story, you have created some horrible, gaping plot holes. Like, what is happening with Lak Shmi and Gaz? Or aren't the Resisty going to land soon?" she turned to Lard Nar, "Thanks to the leader of the failed Resistance, I have you cornered in a web of confusing plot twists!"_

_"But this is just another confusing plot twist! You've created a plot twist paradox!" Tak countered._

_"This is the confusing twist that will bring it all together, however," the Producer explained, "For as we speak, the Resisty and the Almighty Tallest are about to crash into Zim's base and disrupt your stupid dissection sequence!"_

_"The dissection sequence wasn't stupid!" Tak shouted, "I really wanted to write that..."_

_"Tough luck. Also, surprise! I brought you a gift," she dumped an unconscious Lak Shmi and Gaz onto the floor._

_"Shmi!" Lard Nar gasped, "And... a purple-haired human!"_

_"That's right. How's that for a plot twist?" she grinned._

_"That's cheating!" the Fangirl huffed, "You can't just bring them there with no context! It doesn't make sense! Now the Tallest going to Earth has no point!"_

_"Doesn't it?" the Produce smirked, "Just like THE DARK TALE of super hawt bromance!was just a pointless filler chapter?"_

_"What?"_

_"Never you mind that. It's all coming together, now. Soon, there will be a nice conclusion to this train wreck. It will all be quite... pleasant."_

_"Pleasant, how?" Lard Nar asked._

_"Let's just say it involves putting this series to rest once and for all," the Produce said, twirling a fine, ivory stand of hair around her delicate finger, "I think I should be the one to put the plan in place, of course."_

_"You don't mean...?"_

_"Yes," she said, "It's time to use the world's most horrible plot device: And everybody died. THE END."_

...or is it?

**DUN DUN DUNNNN!**

* * *

Is the universe going to be destroyed AGAIN? We at Mysterious Mysterious know the answer is... A RESOUNDING MAYBE.


	11. What, ANOTHER Hiatus?

**What, another hiatus?**

Um, hey, guys. You know how I haven't been updating? It's not because I am dead. It is because... I have a lot to do! I have this crazy teacher who assigns us impossible projects! Because I do not intend to fail freaking 8th grade, I plan to do my best on this impossible project.

Said project is writing an BOOK. A BOOK. A BOOOOOOOOK about the WWII French Resistance from the point of view of a young man.

A BOOK.

Plus, I'm in the school play. I play "Mom". This is it. My big break.

So, I'm putting a lot of stuff on hold until this crazy crap-tastic adventure in Middle School Land is over. Also, I turned out to have... Asperger's Syndrome! The plot thickens! So I'm working on "social skills" right now, too. Ha! I have EXCELLENT social skills! Right, imaginary friends? Yep! They agree. No, they are not cowering in terror before me! Whatever gave you THAT idea? Now, slaves... er, friends, ready the cheese bomb.

It's time to take over the world.

Yep, so until I  
a) write A BOOK  
b) work on social skills  
c) take over the world

You'll have to wait for the exciting conclusion to the madcap adventures of a rather nice little Mary-Sue who is also a Vortian, an intense limbo contest (the winner will gain control of the story once and for all), and the pure and wholesome joy of cheese.

**THE FANDOM CREED**  
_By me, TehAntiFangirl, to make you happy and perhaps a little less mad at me._

Stay strong in your ships. Stay strong in your headcanons.  
Stay strong in your OTPs, your AUs, your fanons.  
Stay strong for Homestuck,  
For Sonic and Zim,  
Stay strong for anime,  
The Hobbit and NIMH.  
Stick to your guns,  
'Cause haters gonna hate,  
But we, we the fans  
Inherit all that is great.  
So be not in hysterics over too soon cancellations,  
Nor when fanservice is given go into gyrations.  
Sing heigh for Sherlock, sing ho for Naruto,  
Be joyous, for to the internet we go!  
Flood it with fan fics! Fan art galore!  
You drawing some yaoi? There's always room for some more!  
Make GIFs! We are not normal!  
We're twisted and funny and downright hormonal!  
Normal people can go home! This is our domain!  
4chan and Tumblr are for us! WE'RE INSANE!  
We're good crazy, though! Like our hero, GIR!  
We rule the world! We are awesome! WE DERP!  
This is our story, and by peculiar chance,  
Our fandom brought us together. We're united-

THE FANS.


End file.
